Tender Mercies, A Perspective on Grieving

Originally posted on my other blog Sept 16, 2014....

Welcome to my new normal... I lost my mom to liver disease on August 23rd. Ironically, she had never had a drink of alcohol in her life. The week preceding her death was filled with things I thought I would never have to do. Some I'd never even considered possibilities and many I should have prepared for but simply had not.

In the grand scheme of things, I'm lucky. I should have lost my Dad the same week I lost my Mom and very well could have. He totaled his 2014 Harley-Davidson Street Glide on Friday morning and was taken by helicopter to the nearest hospital. He was wearing his helmet, which he did every time he rides thankfully, and sustained only minor injuries. 'Minor' considering he flipped his bike end over end twice, landing on his head both times. They kept him overnight for observation which was to be the first in a long chain of events that week, the worst week of my life. I believe things happen for a reason; and that there was a reason for this accident especially.

Mom admitted to me that night that she didn't think she should spend the night alone - something she did five nights out of every week while my Dad was at work. It was a first and heralded the beginning of the end. My siblings and I rallied together to be with Mom all weekend and get Dad home from the hospital an hour away. That weekend I bought adult diapers, helped Mom shower and transfer on and off the toilet - things this daughter had never prepared myself for. We all stepped up and did what needed to be done while I silently wondered if worrying about Mom was why Dad had wrecked his bike. Especially if this had become his normal.

Mom had been sick for many years - diagnosed for four but symptomatic closer to ten because she was a stubborn nurse who refused to see a doctor regularly. We had watched her decline slowly the last couple of years but she was still living at home. She didn't drive anymore but Dad would take her religiously for her hair and nail appointments. Most weeks they would go to dinner with us on Friday nights and still saw friends often.We'd even gone camping as a family three weekends before. By Saturday morning we all agreed that with Dad hurt and in a neck brace for the next ten days he was going to need help. Help none of us were equipped to offer. That weekend I helped coordinate with her doctors to get emergency orders for home health care, we all kicked into cleaning and de-cluttering mode to make room for what we anticipated was a need for a hospital bed since she could no longer get in and out of her own by herself seemingly overnight, and we met with a nurse to assess Mom's current health.

The worst side effect of liver disease is the build up of ammonia in the brain called encephalopathy that presents as memory loss. That weekend there were several times Mom would look at us and it was like there was no one looking back from behind her eyes. It was much worse than we had been experiencing with forgetting how old she was or how long she'd been married or not being very good at lengthy conversations. All of which we'd been dealing with for at least the past year. By Monday morning, she couldn't walk by herself and there was evidence of internal bleeding. We headed to the emergency department at the hospital. Mom never came home. They stabilized her and did everything they could but her kidneys had also failed and there was nothing anyone could do to fix it.

It was a week of emotional turmoil as my Dad leaned on us to help make the hardest decisions a person can be faced with. Would she want to be intubated? Would she want to be kept alive on a feeding tube? Would she be okay with spending half of every day for the rest of her life hooked up to a dialysis machine to keep her alive? Would she be happy if she had to go to a skilled nursing facility and not be allowed to live at home anymore? She was never conscious enough to rationally help us make these decisions. Heart-wrenching and heart-breaking. In the end Dad knew enough about her wishes to make the hard choices. We withdrew care early Saturday morning. She was gone by the evening.

Someone said to me right after it happened that nothing can prepare you for losing a parent. So true. No matter that we all knew it was a possibility for years, it still hurt like a bitch. In the weeks since her death I've come to focus on the tender mercies that came with the heart-ripping sadness and give me comfort.

The first and most obvious mercy was not having to bury both of my parents in the course of a week. If things had turned out differently that Friday morning, a morning that started the way so many others had before with Hubby and Dad heading out for a day trip on the motorcycles, we would have.


Even bigger, the realization that Mom went out exactly as she would have wanted it. She tried in April to make me promise that she'd never have to go to a care facility or a nursing home. A promise I told her flat out I couldn't make because none of us were equipped to care for her if it came to that. As it happened, Mom lived out her days at home with the love of her life until she couldn't and then went swiftly from this life to whatever lies beyond. She never had to face her greatest fear in life - living without Dad. And she was surrounded by the thing that made her happiest for an entire week before she passed - her family. I will cherish every day I spent with her in the hospital that week and be forever grateful for a job flexible enough that I was there every day.


So many of the events that week seemed serendipitous. Tuesday night all the grand kids came and spent the evening. It was difficult to watch my own children struggle both with understanding what was happening (Baby Sister) and with knowing exactly what might be happening (Big Sister). There were near-hysterics involved but in the end all of them were able to tell her everything they wanted or needed to say - and heard Grandma tell them she loved them back. Had we waited another day, they wouldn't have had the chance. She was transferred the next afternoon and children are not allowed in the ICU.

Many people warned me that the funeral and all the things leading up to her burial were going to be so rough. Certainly they were difficult - especially speaking at the funeral - but nothing was as hard as watching her actually pass from this world. I cling to the memory of watching her use her last ounce of breath to tell us she loved us and to kiss Dad over and over until she didn't have any more strength left. Such a tender mercy, having her still conscious enough for that final goodbye.

I watch people tread lightly around my grief and part of me is surprised there isn't more of it in evidence. But the reality is, we slowly lost Mom for years and there is comfort in knowing she isn't suffering anymore. It doesn't mean I didn't sob all the way home after stumbling on an old voicemail from her today. Because I did. Hearing her voice and calling me her pet name were things I hadn't even considered how much I would miss. I thank my brush with death and resulting shift in perspective of not taking people or time with them for granted. It, too, must have happened for a reason. I have very few regrets because I spent as much time as I could with my parents in Mom's final year. I will miss her everyday but I know she is in a better place - wherever that may be.

I've said it before since that fateful day of my pulmonary embolism and I'll say it again. Squeeze those you love and make every minute count. Tomorrow is not promised. Even if you know the inevitable is inevitable, you can never really be ready. More important, have the difficult discussions with those you love about what you would want if you ever find yourself in a situation requiring life support and unable to make decisions for yourself. It was the single worst thing I've ever had to do in my life. Trust me that you don't want your loved ones not to know at least the general ideas you have on death and dying.

Much gratitude and love to those of you who make up my village - who brought food and gifts, took my kids, sent cards and flowers, hugged me, got me drunk, came to the services, called, sent texts and Facebook messages and in general got me through this as a collective. I couldn't have done it without all of you.

Memorial to Mom

My amazing Mom passed away from this life on August 23, 2014. This is what I said at her funeral:

Pam was many things to many people. To me, she was my mom. And she was the BEST. The literal definition of mother is a noun meaning “a female who has given birth to offspring”. But, my mom gave me so much more than just life. She gave me physical things like her prematurely gray hair and her chubby little sausage toes. She also gave me intangible things like her love of chocolate-covered raisins, the ability to cry at the drop of a hat - sometimes less – and her love of chick flicks – especially Gone with the Wind and Somewhere in Time that we watched for our monthly “chick-flick nights” growing up.

Mom gave me drive and determination. She taught me to reach for my dreams by reaching for hers, no matter how hard or what obstacles where in her way. Getting up before dawn to deliver hundreds of newspapers every day – rain, shine, snow or holidays – to get through college. Hours of frustrated late-night studying at the kitchen table while I helped her figure out first Algebra and later Chemistry. Enough hours that she gave me and Denice credit for helping get her degree when she graduated. She loved being a Nurse. I watched her work hard every day to become one; then watched her love it every day she did it until she couldn’t do it anymore. I still remember being annoyed that she’d sign all my school papers and notes with “Pam Ruoti, RN”. Now I know it’s just who she was. Her being a nurse gave me the ability to talk about anything and everything and still be able to eat, which comes in more handily than you may think, and to talk about and understand things in the clinical realm – or at least know enough to fake it till I make it. I remember late night visits to the hospital to see her while she was working; sitting at the nurse’s station with her and all her friends hearing stories and laughing – back before HIPPA of course. Most fond were the visits I made while pregnant with my oldest so we could both hear the fetal heartbeat – just because we could. From my earliest days she told me that anything I wanted to do I could do. She told all of us that; and as adults we’re all successful at doing the things that we love because she showed us it was possible. Not everyone can say that.

She gave me the knowledge of how to live life to the fullest on my own terms. She did what she wanted and how she wanted to do it. Always. She was the most stubborn woman I ever met but what I wouldn’t give for her to roll her eyes at me one more time. Or shrug at my logical reasons why what she wanted didn’t make sense while she stood her ground with her grin. She fought my Dad for months – perhaps longer – about putting an ugly satellite dish on her house just because she didn’t like how it would look. She cared a bit more about what people thought than I do, but the basics of who I am came from watching her be who she was. Mom was always up for something fun and loved to take any suggestion and run with it. You mentioned you wanted to go on a trip? She was planning it. A friend suggested a cruise? She was on the phone with the travel agency and made it happen. Impromptu scrapbooking session? Yes please. Anything fun, she wanted in on it. I’m sure she was wilder than she let on in her younger years. After all, she met Dad dragging State Street – and he had a motorcycle. I remember my in-between years, no longer a child but not quite an adult, coming home after curfew (because I’ve never followed the rules) and her saying “what would the neighbors think?” To which I would reply “if they’re up watching to see when I come home then we have bigger problems.” No matter what time I did come home, she would be there on the couch waiting to talk to me, just glad I was home safe. Our late night talks are probably the real reason I’m still such a night owl.

Mom gave me the love of reading. She always had a book and never stopped reading. Her Nook is still charged and ready, next to her favorite chair. She forbade me to read Stephen King when I found an abandoned book one morning on the paper route. Being as stubborn as she was, of course I read it. And every year after that she gave me a hard-cover copy of whatever his latest book was for Christmas – because she knew I loved it and that was all that mattered. She’d probably hate knowing that I stole her romance novels long before it would have been appropriate for me to read them, but I would argue she shouldn’t have left them lying around. One of the few regrets I have is never letting her read any of my own writing. I always assumed one day she would have the chance to read something when it was ‘good enough’ to be published. I was wrong. ‘Some day’ is never promised – a lesson I’ve learned well.

She gave birth to four offspring in total. Every one of us had a special relationship with her because she always put us and Dad first. I used to be a huge brat and said I wished I was an only child. But, she knew better. After I matured into adulthood I knew it was better that we had a big family and wouldn’t trade any of them for the world. Most days. She gave us the best childhood and surrounded us with cousins who were my first and best friends – many of them still are. She also gave us a close family who did things together. A lot of things. And she was always planning the next thing. Whether it was camping, Disneyland, weekends in Saint George or Las Vegas, cruises or just an evening to celebrate a birthday it was important and she made it happen. My entire life is filled with memories that include my family because she valued family the most. Family also included her son and daughters in law. For the last twenty years, she was the loving mother my husband had lacked his whole life. She embraced him, and accepted him as her own, simply because he loved me. Family just meant family. And in many cases, the lines were blurred with close friends we all called family. She just knew people mattered and acted accordingly every day of her life. No matter who you were.

I am the mother, wife and friend I am because of the example she showed me every day.  I watched her do selfless and thoughtful things for others every opportunity she had and learned from her. I still remember her telling me I was her best friend. I wonder if she told all of her friends that, like I tell all my nieces and nephews that they are my favorite and mean it.  One year in junior high, for my birthday she found a random friend in every single class that day to give me a present she provided. Many of them I was certain she wouldn’t know. Just so feeling special on my special day lasted all day. I still don’t know how she did it; and now I’ll never know. By example, she taught me the value of forgiveness, and that friendship was more important than any grudge you could hold, no matter how justified. She would do anything for anyone in need. She always listened to us and knew just the right thing to give as a gift at Christmas to make us the happiest. She was the epitome of ‘giving is more important than receiving’. Maybe that’s why it was her favorite holiday. Over the years, I watched her cultivate and maintain her own friendships – many that transcended the years between meetings and others that lasted more than my lifetime. She was surrounded by people she loved and who she touched just by being her. She had an infectious smile and it was hard not to have fun when she was around.

Lastly, she gave me love. Her love was unapologetic and unconditional. She loved with her whole heart and wasn’t afraid to show people exactly how she felt. So many times I’d meet someone new and they would say it was like they already knew me because she was always talking about her family. As long as we were together, she was happy. If there was Disneyland involved, she was even happier. She was the most supportive grandma to her grandkids and I know it pained her when she was too sick to attend every activity in her final years.

I had my own brush with death in 2011 that gave me new perspective on how fragile life is. As frightening as it was, I would never trade the experience because it reminded me to slow down and live in the moment; to appreciate every minute by living it fully. The last couple of years when Mom’s health deteriorated enough she wasn’t able to do many of the things she loved anymore, we started going to dinner on Friday nights with her and Dad. It was a small thing, we usually went out anyway (because who wants to cook when you’ve worked all week?) and it didn’t take much just to invite them to come with us. After a while, it became a little private tradition and for the last year my girls just expected Grandma and Pa to be there for our Friday night outings. In hindsight I will cherish that, amidst my own crazy life, I got the chance to spend so much every-day time with her before she was gone. None of us expected her disease would take her so quickly, but after watching her slowly decline for several years, I take comfort in knowing she isn’t suffering anymore. I watched her use her last ounce of strength to kiss my dad goodbye, and tell us all she loved us. I will cherish that memory – maybe more than any of the rest. I’ll think of her when I hear the wind rustling the leaves on the trees, or when I smell the damp earth after it rains – and probably a million other times. She leaves a legacy in all those she knew and touched. She was one amazing woman and I will miss her every day.

I love you Mom, and I thank you. For everything.

Erica is three!

Holy hell how time flies! I can't believe it's already been three years since our firecracker Erica Tayen was born or that its taken me a couple of months to blog and commemorate the occasion.

This girl LOVES balloons!

Ready for birthday cake with her BFF Chayse and cousin Harlee

She LOVES feeding her babies in her new highchair

At three she has become a very headstrong girl who isn't shy very often. She has no problem telling you what she wants although she sometimes does it with too much whining. She loves to sing and can't get enough Dora. Her favorite thing to play is house with her babies. It is not uncommon for her to create scripts and tell those around her exactly what she wants you to say as part of her playing. She calls Erin "sissy" and has the cutest little singsong voice.

Recently we made another switch in her daycare and are back to a nanny although it is now our turn to share someone else's nanny at their house. She loves going to her cousin Zoey's to play everyday with nanny Candace.

Christmas Trip to Cali

Clint and I bought into a timeshare exchange/travel network about ten years ago.  This is the first year we've ever had the foresight enough to plan a trip where we could actually use it.  If you are like us - spontaneous travelers - don't do this.  The biggest hurdle has always been that in order to book a timeshare you have to request it more than one hundred and twenty days in advance.  Are you kidding me?  That's 3 months!!  Who plans trips more than three months in advance?  Clearly not us since we haven't used the timeshare in ten years.  (If you ever want to get Clint ranting and raving, bring this fact up and watch him go OFF about how much money we've wasted in TEN YEARS.)  But I digress...

Christmas this year (2012) we did something completely different.  Instead of getting our kids gifts, we booked a trip.  One that they had no idea we were doing until they opened the box on Christmas morning.  The box that I took great pleasure in putting together.  It started as this huge box - prompting many days of guessing games about what could possibly be in it after it appeared under the tree.  Inside this box was another huge box.  Inside that one, three medium sized boxes with smaller boxes in each.  You get the idea.  There were actually two small stuffed animals from the Disney store in the very last boxes to open with notes saying the characters couldn't wait to see the girls next week.  The best part of my "trick" was all the boxes I'd wrapped and placed under the tree so they wouldn't suspect.  Inside these robe-sized and shirt-sized boxes were stocking stuffer type items.  Hair clips, mini hand sanitizers, etc.  It was so much fun surprising them!  And Auntie Carey and Uncle Jon sent Minnie ears with their names on them to open very last.

Of course Erin immediately said she had known we were going to Disneyland for days since that's what her BFF's parents had done.  She's not fooling her mamma since I didn't even know her BFF - who's mom is one of my BFF's - was going until a week before they left.

We decided to do what other people probably wouldn't do - take our kid out of school after they had just gotten back from Christmas break - so we wouldn't have to fight the crowds at Disneyland.  The Disneyland part of the trip was going to be the worst part for Clint and I to endure but would be the highlight for the girls. 

On January 2nd, Erin went to school so I could go check her out on an educational leave of absence and we headed out that evening with reservations in Las Vegas.  Here's how nice it was when we woke up the next morning

 View of the pool from our room

 Daddy and Erica waiting for valet

Mom and Erin at valet

After a leisurely breakfast (and sleeping as late as the grown-ups wanted to) we headed out from Vegas - destination Oceanside.

 Not sure if its because we weren't in the car all day or just that Erica is getting older but this was the best road trip with her. EVER.

 Erin's favorite thing to do on a road trip is sleep - that way she doesn't get car sick.

 Clint drove the whole way, I had to entertain myself somehow...

We arrived, checked in and unloaded the car.  It was an amazing condo - two bedrooms, full kitchen, and a two-car garage attached to the unit.  Pool right outside our front door.  Seven days of bliss lay ahead of us. 

 First view of the ocean from our condo.  There was one row of houses between us and the beach.  Walking distance on top of everything else!

The rest of the day involved settling in, stocking up with groceries, bragging on Facebook about how amazing the weather was - because it was single digits at home - and acquainting ourselves with the area.

Ice cream?  Sure, why not - it's vacation!

The next day was our first full day in California.  We slept in, ate breakfast, drank coffee, and headed out - on foot - for a day at the beach.  The water was too cold to actually swim in but Erin was in up to her knees and Clint was all the way in trying his hand at skim boarding.  He had a pretty rough go of it until he talked to some locals and got hooked up with some surf board wax so he could grip the board with his feet.  After that, he was basically a pro.  Sometimes I hate that he picks up things with such ease.  Erica insisted on her swim suit even though I knew the water was going to be far too cold.  She got her feet wet and then ran screaming back toward the beach chairs where she hung out digging in the sand the rest of the day.  I was happy to sink my toes into the sand and read a book.  My kind of relaxing vacation...

 Daddy and Erin hitting the water

 the girls - notice how Erica is just behind the water line...

 this was the look on her face as she came running from the cold water of the waves

 Erin yelling "I love the ocean!"

 My view...

 Clint and the skim board

 Erin's big hole she tried to bury herself in.  Clint in the waves waist deep in the distance... BRRR

 Toes in the sand - check

 the bathing beauty

 Daddy and Erica getting ready to leave

 First sunset of the vacation

We walked down to the pier and had seafood for dinner with ice cream for dessert

Saturday morning I checked the weather for Disneyland... and saw this:

 Wouldn't you know the ONE day we decided to do Disney was the ONE day forecast for rain.  There wasn't really an option to change which day.  In true Terra fashion, I had analyzed and planned for THE. BEST. DAY. to do Disney.  Sunday was the last day of the "Holidays at Disney" celebration which included extended hours, fireworks and parades.  Plus, all the people who had to go back to school and work on Monday would be traveling home on Sunday optimizing the waiting in line factor for our benefit. If we didn't do Disney on Sunday, we wouldn't be able to do both parks in one day.  And there was no way Clint and I would be happy giving up more than one day of relaxing for the insanity of Disneyland.  Plus, my parents were driving down for the weekend JUST to do Disneyland with the girls.  So, we decided to just go for it and hope for the best.  We spent the majority of Saturday swimming in the pool and running around to sporting goods stores looking for rain coats just in case.

Disneyland tram ride to the gates from the parking lot.  The girls were so excited - Daddy not so much.  We had to wake up at 5am to be on the road early enough for the hour plus drive from Oceanside.  And for the record, the money you save by using ticket brokers outside the park is not worth the hassle.  Just pay full price at the park!

The girls saw Minnie right inside the gates while Daddy was renting a stroller for the day.  Probably would have been more efficient to rent it outside the gate before we went in but we didn't know...

We only planned on staying a few hours for the "must-do" rides in Disneyland and to optimize our time we split up.  Clint who can't do roller coasters anymore with his history of concussions, and my Mom who doesn't like them took Erica to Mickey's Toon Town.  The coaster crowd - me, my Dad and Erin - headed for Space Mountain.

The best part of Disneyland was having my Dad to ride roller coasters with.  I know exactly where I get my love of them from seeing this photo.  My dad and I are both doing the same thing without having discussed it and not being able to see each other.  Awesome!

Have to have a photo of the castle behind us

And what's a trip to Disneyland without the TEA CUPS!!

We headed back to Toon-town to meet back up with Clint and Erica but they hadn't made it there yet.  My Mom wanted to do Small World and so did Erin so off they went with my Dad while I stayed with Erica to go play at Mickey's and Minnie's houses.

Erica in Minnie's kitchen

 Meanwhile, Erin went with grandma and grandpa to see Mickey - don't tell Erica who's mean mom made her get out of the line to see Minnie when I peeked around the corner and found out we were all standing in line for Minnie who was NOT in her garden.  (We tried to see Mickey but he wasn't there.)  No time for waiting!

Instead, I took her on her first roller coaster ride - which luckily for us, grandpa returned in just enough time to snap a photo!

That's us in the second seat.  It gives me great joy to know that she loved it and I may just have a daughter to ride roller coasters with who loves them and doesn't have to get dragged on them.  I just have to wait a few years until she's tall enough.

While we all were otherwise engaged, Clint was off doing the ONE thing he wanted to do at Disneyland - eat a turkey leg.  He found out that there were three places to get them.  Two of them opened at 11:00 and one of them - on the other side of the park - opened at 10:30.  By the time he made it back to where we all were, it was gone.

"What? It was a little one!"

Then it was time for Pirates - a favorite for everyone and my Mom's very most favorite.  We got to take advantage of Mom's medical condition and go in the handicap entrance - line skipping is now the upside to failing health.

The whole gang after Pirates

Clint's other favorite activity at Disneyland was the pineapple smoothies.  (Thanks for the tip, Jed and Kerstin!)  I think he made the trek halfway across the park three times in the course of an hour to get them.  Here Erin has what she thought of as her own.  Only to see a photo of the real thing a week later on Clint's phone and found out he'd actually eaten half of it before handing it over to her.  

Clint and the girls while we sailed on the pirate ship around the island.  A nice little break.

As we were leaving, I thought to snap a photo of the Christmas decorations even though they are kind of hard to really appreciate from the picture.

The walk across to California Adventure was enough for Erica to crash.  Nap time!!  Which meant - time for more roller coasters!  Clint found a bench to wait out nap time (and probably find more good things to eat) and Erin and I headed for more rides.

The last time we were at Disneyland back in March, I got robbed of the best roller coaster in both parks.  We didn't know California Adventure closed an hour before Disneyland AND that they closed the pier where California Screamin' is an hour before that for the World of Color show.  This time I was not going to let that happen.  But first, we had to go see Cars Land and found the longest line we'd seen all day - a whole 100 minutes of estimated wait time.  AND they had already given out all their allotted Fast Passes for the day.  Seriously?  We were super spoiled by no lines on anything so far so we decided not to wait and instead come back in a little while and see if it was better.  So, we headed to where my parents were.

Waiting the twenty minutes to ride California Screamin'.  Notice the sheer joy on my face and the "I'm humoring my mom but I'm not happy about being here" smile on Erin's?  Yes, I basically dragged her on this roller coaster.  She had the choice - the coaster or Tower of Terror.  I'm a meanie but it's okay she still loves me.

I'm convinced there are never good photos on this roller coaster but that's okay because it is so much fun!  And Erin said she didn't hate it and it was funner than she thought it was going to be.  Maybe one day she'll actually grow to like them and I won't have to drag her.

Dinner time!  And yes, it was cold that day but I didn't complain because we all had two sweatshirts (yes, I'm an ubber planner and this time the "just in case" came in handy!)  Once the sun went down if you weren't moving it was pretty chilly.  I had a raging head-ache - probably because I hadn't eaten much but those damn pineapple smoothies which are basically sugar and zero protein.  So I volunteered to hang out with Erica and my Mom while Clint, Erin and my Dad went to stand in the Cars Racers line.  Unfortunately it was still a long line and they were gone for over an hour.  But, it was worth it since Clint and Erin both loved it.  Mom and Dad decided it was far too cold and they had done everything they wanted to do so they headed back to their hotel.  Clint took Erica to Bug's Life land for the kiddie rides while Erin and I went to ride the giant Ferris wheel.

view from the top

With zero lines, we decided to ride the Flying Zephyr on our way back off the pier - Erin had seen it from the top of the Ferris Wheel and wanted to do it so why not.  This is her looking super adorable and all I could see was the corn-dog castle behind her.

yes, the corn dogs are huge but I still like Hot Dog on A Stick far better

We got to Bug's Life Land just as Erica had finished riding all the rides.  Doesn't take long when there are NO LINES.  So we decided to let Clint rest - he was a bit green in the face from all the rides going round and round - and let Erica ride whatever she wanted again so Erin could go with her.  This is them on the caterpillar ride.  They thought they were SO COOL because they were riding all by themselves with mom in the seat behind them.

Oh, and guess what - the rain finally made an appearance at 7:00 that night.  Just a light mist that didn't require rain gear even though the girls insisted on putting their rain coats on.  I just think they were looking for an excuse to wear the cute new coats mom got suckered into buying the day before.  At least they are both adorable and I'm sure it helped keep them warm.

This is one of Erica's favorite rides - Flick's Flyers - which she called "the giant pineapple".  I really wanted to get a picture of her being a sassy pants and insisting on riding all by herself but she covered her face every time I tried.  This photo is for posterity when she wonders what she was like as a child and doesn't believe me when I tell her she was a little stinker.

What's an amusement park of any size or kind without cotton candy?  In hind sight, they probably could have shared one...

Luigi's floating tires, still no lines.  According to RideMax this is a ride that always has long lines and "isn't worth the wait".  Definitely picked the right day for Disney!

The park still wasn't closed and we'd done everything anyone wanted to do (with the exception of Tower of Terror but after the raging headache earlier I wasn't willing to press my luck with another high velocity ride).  Erin said she wanted Cars Racers again and this time I went with her so I could ride it, too.  Super fun ride and this time we only had to wait thirty minutes.  Plus, we had a great view of the fireworks when they did them at Disneyland.

This is how much Erin loves the Racers.

One last photo after Ariel ride as we headed out.  Goodbye Disneyland!

After the hour plus drive back to Oceanside, we slept super late and spent a leisurely afternoon recovering in the pool.  My parents checked out of their hotel and came to hang out with us before going home.

 Erin and Erica thought it was SO COOL that they were allowed in the hot tub.  It was only because it wasn't really that hot but don't tell them that.

I thought it was still too cold to be outside and wet so instead I read by the pool.  Still just as relaxing.  With Disney out of the way, we could get back to the "real" relaxing that Clint and I like.  No agenda and lots of R&R.  It was so relaxing that my parents decided to stay that night with us in the condo before heading for home.

 Erica decided donuts were a breakfast food.  It was vacation after all so I let it go...

My Dad had gone to put the aero bed down and instead laid down for a little nap.  Definitely vacation.

Erin sporting her new sunglasses that Clint bought her at the corner market where they'd gone to buy lottery tickets and came back with food instead.  Weird how predictable his brain can be sometimes...

 It was a beautiful day so we decided to rent from the pier and spend some time on the beach before my parents had to head for Vegas.

 Me and Erica basking in the sun

Look how long my hair is - crazy!

 This is how we toured the beach - it was super fun and held all six of us.  We went all the way to both ends of the beach stopping wherever we decided to.  It was a great excursion!

 Low tide north of the pier

Erica walking on the rocks

Clint is always so happy around the ocean

 Look what Erin found!  "Mr Crabs"

of course, Clint made cracks about how every time he comes to California he gets crabs...

 Erica still wouldn't dip her toes into the water

 Yes, that's a smile on my dad's face!

 The girls playing in the water - or at least at the water line

 Erica decided she wanted to dig in the sand that had the consistency of mud.  Which made my OCD twitch that she was going to get dirty.  When she squatted down and basically sat in the "muddy" sand, I had to force myself not to freak out and kept reminding myself that it was vacation and it didn't matter.  Probably the most fun she had the entire trip happened in this span of 10 minutes.

Not sure why the "why" pose but aren't they adorable?

Erin's sea shells she found

Yes, it's nap time again.  That kid can seriously nap anywhere!

Playing under the pier

  We ate fresh seafood under the pier then made our way back to the condo to say goodbye to my parents.  More swimming in the pool and general relaxing rounded out the day.

 Waxing the skim board on the balcony in preparation for the next day at the beach

The next morning Clint and I took turns going for a run on the beach.  He got up super early and headed out while I had my morning coffee and the girls woke up and started begging for the pool.  Once Clint got back, I suited up for my run while he took the girls swimming.  This was a most triumphant run for me.  I had a pulmonary embolism in November and hadn't really be able to run since. (You can read all about it here).  Because we were at sea level it was like I had never stopped and I just got to run and enjoy the scenery.  I found myself so absorbed in the beach and all the sites that I couldn't even concentrate on my book in my ears and turned off my iPod.  Best part of the entire trip for me.

view of my run route at the halfway mark

 This is what the girls were doing when I got back from my run.  Sitting in the hot tub is now the activity of choice I guess.

Once we were cleaned up from our runs, we packed up for the beach again.  Unfortunately there was a storm moving in and it wasn't the warmest.  The bright sunny weather on our morning runs had turned to fog and almost zero visibility with overcast skies by the time we hauled all our stuff down to the beach and the other side of the pier where there was flatter ground for skim boarding.

 Clint was determine to be in the ocean regardless of the weather.  His new wet suit came in handy until he realized that he wasn't far enough in the water doing skim boarding for it and that it was far too hot to have it on.  This is him being die hard and doing what he loves regardless of the cold water and overcast skies.

 This is me bundled up against the damp cold on the beach - yes, I was freezing.  So different than just a couple of hours ago when I was running out here.  BRRR

 Our last night, we walked down to the end of the pier to Ruby's Diner and had shakes for dessert, watched the fisherman and looked at the octopus and squid they had caught and listened to the waves.  I can't describe how perfect that night was - just us, wandering around together seeing what there was to see with no cares and nowhere we needed to be.  It was bliss... and we all hated to have to leave the next day.

But the trip wasn't over.  We checked out of our condo in Oceanside on Thursday, had lunch at a really good Armenian place in Carlsbad then headed to Riverside to spend the weekend with my cousin and his family.  We didn't have to be back to school and work until Monday after all...

Cuddling together on the couch - I love my girls

The entire time we were gone, the weather back home was record low cold and we kept hearing reports form neighbors about frozen water pipes and the general bitching that comes with extreme weather.  Clint took great pleasure in having me take this photo of him enjoying his morning coffee outside, half dressed, just to share with everyone how amazing the weather was.

Huge mug of coffee and a good book combined with Erica's afternoon nap.  Happy Terra!

Clint took Erin and Hannah on a walk which turned into a pretty substantial hike.  Just because they could.

Our last morning we had a huge breakfast with blueberry pancakes.  Notice the size they got when I left the pancake cooking in Clint's hands to deal with something Erica needed help with.

Erin and Hannah - close cousins of the next generation

Goofing around before we left

This is Peaches and I don't think she was in her cage the whole weekend unless Erin was asleep or playing outside.  Erin begs for a bird which Clint and I both say no about so this was super fun for her to experience.

Me and Cecie right before we left.  So hard to say goodbye to such great family who are always so inviting and who genuinely love to see us as much as we love to see them.

 Prolonging the loading of the car because no one wants to leave

Goodbye California!

Because it had been such an easy drive coming down - where it didn't feel like a road trip with a toddler - and because we didn't want to have to get up early with no time to say goodbye, we decided to split the trip home up too.  We stayed that night in Cedar City - and within six hours had gone from sixty degree weather to MINUS TEN.  It was probably karma for all the sunny Cali pictures we'd been posting on Facebook all week...  Twelve days in California in January - best idea I've ever had!

Cedar City still had all their Christmas lights and decorations up. Isn't there some kind of rule about taking that stuff down by New Year?  It was the thirteenth of January!

On the way home, I asked the girls what they thought of their Christmas gift that was actually a Christmas trip and it was unanimous that we all wanted to do that again.  Perhaps a new family tradition has been born!  The best part of the whole trip was getting to spend time together just being together without being rushed or hurried to do anything.  Enjoying every moment before it was gone.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!